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News 2016

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I will use the eyes of the heart... for binge-watching Boris

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Userò gli occhi del cuore... per binge-watchare Boris

by Vain ·


Per anni ho sentito parlare di Boris, quella serie italiana che ha come logo un pesce rosso nella caratteristica boccia tonda. Ma, per un motivo o per l'altro, non avevo mai provato a vederlo: con tutta la roba british-americana-e-persino-un-po'-australiana che ci sommerge tutti i giorni, pensavo di avere tempo per tutto tranne che per una sit-com italiana (sì, lo so, sono stata molto razzista), anche se la sit-com in questione è nata proprio per criticare le tipiche fiction nostrane che, ormai, sono diventate sinonimo di Gabriel Garko.


Lo staff di Blue Box Series ci tiene a precisare che non è responsabile di questa gif.


Ma, approfittando del fatto che da febbraio Boris viene trasmesso su Netflix, l'omino del cervello - lo stesso che anni fa mi persuase ad iniziare le prime serie tv - ha iniziato a sussurrarmi: "Guardalo... guardalo... guardalo... di una sit-com c'è sempre bisogno... guardalo... guardalo..."

Dato che all'omino del cervello si dà sempre ragione, ho iniziato una maratona non-stop della nostra pratica olimpica preferita (il binge-watching, ovviamente) e ora ho una voglia irrefrenabile di guardare fiction italiane scadenti - tipo Baciato dal Sole - solo per urlare "cani maledetti" e "'sto episodio è fatto a cazzo di cane". Senza contare che, ora, il mio omino del cervello non fa che cantare la sigla:


Insomma, ogni volta che si parla di Boris ci si ritrova irrimediabilmente a cantare, insieme ad Elio e le Storie Tese, Gli oooocchiiiii del cuooooooreee gli oooocchiiii del cuooooooreee... Boooooriiiiis!! Probabilmente, se la mettessero come canzone da oratorio, sarebbe l'unica che potrei provare a ballare (con tanto di sguardo scocciato di Arianna). E la sigla della prima stagione rimane la migliore, anche perché non ho mai sopportato vedere il cast fluttuare in una finta boccia, trasformandosi addirittura in sirenetti alla Zoolander.


Boris lo adoriamo soprattutto perché, essenzialmente, individua tre tipologie di personaggi:

  • personaggi odiosi che odiamo;
  • personaggi odiosi che amiamo;
  • personaggi che ci fanno un po' pena;

Questi ultimi sono sostanzialmente formati dagli stagisti super-sfruttati e non pagati sottopagati dalla produzione, i quali non solo si ritrovano a farsi il culo per una fiction peggiore della recita scolastica di tuo cugino, ma anche a sopportare i capricci di attori viziati che si atteggiano a grandi superstar: eh, sì, questi rientrano decisamente nella categoria "personaggi odiosi che amiamo", perché non si può fare a meno di amare quella Cagna Maledetta di Corinna...


... o quell'attore decisamente "poco italiano" di Stanis La Rochelle, per il quale sono disposta a scordare tutte le mie crush british per diventare una sua fangirl fedelissima, tant'è che lo seguirei pure in Grecia *da leggere con tono ironico*


Ma Boris non sarebbe Boris senza René Ferretti, il regista di Gli Occhi del Cuore, sempre accompagnato da un pesce rosso porta-fortuna. Dove sia la fortuna, però, non si sa, perché essere i registi di una fiction del genere è decisamente da scalognati, e perdere la testa per una una serie tv simile è la peggior cosa che potrebbe capitare ad un professionista del settore. Insomma, già girare scene demmerda è una corsa contro il tempo (e contro il proprio autocontrollo): figuriamoci girare una fiction di qualità.


Gli unici che possono considerarsi più che fortunati sono gli sceneggiatori che, a questo punto, possono vantarsi di aver trovato il dream job della vita: le loro funzioni, infatti, si riducono a quelle di cazzeggio, giocoleria e uso abusato del tasto F4, per non parlare dei loro meeting con tanto di yacht.


Insomma: sono veramente pochi i personaggi a lavorare seriamente sul set, se escludiamo Alessandro e il resto degli stagisti (che, per essere degli stagisti provetti, devono obbedire e rimanere muti... almeno fino a quando un qualche loro parente si dà alla politica). Arianna sembra essere una delle poche a saper gestire la baracca, mentre il misterioso direttore della rete, il Dottor Cane, muove i fili da dietro le quinte. La quotidianità di Gli Occhi del Cuore trascorre quindi così, tra i sotterfugi della troupe e Biascica che attende i suoi "straordinari d'aprile", tra i capricci delle star e gli imbrogli della rete. Perché, sì, è la rete stessa a farsi nemica, mentre René insegue il miraggio di poter finalmente girare una serie come si deve... Ma, ahimè, la triste verità è che le fiction fatte...


... vengono guardate e addirittura amate dagli italiani: perché proporre qualcosa di nuovo, quando la rete ha già un proprio pubblico soddisfatto? (dove sia questo pubblico non saprei, ma a quanto pare esiste, come quelli che votano Berlusconi #EhArianna). Ed è proprio nell'irrimediabilità della merda (?) che sta la commedia e la tragedia di Boris, tant'è che alla fine della terza stagione, dopo il miraggio di Machiavelli e il fallimento di Medical Dimension, ci sentiamo non solo divertiti ma anche tanto, tantissimo amareggiati. Eppure, se c'è una cosa che Boris ci ha insegnato (a parte nuovi modi di insultare la gente cagna e maledetta) è proprio questa: è necessaria un sacco di fatica inutile anche solo per ottenere delle autentiche merde e, quando la vita non ti sorride, che cosa puoi fare se non impegnarti anche in qualcosa che, nel profondo (ma anche in superficie), odi con tutto te stesso? Se deve essere merda, che merda sia, e della miglior qualità!

I will use the eyes of the heart... for binge-watching Boris

by Vain ·


For years I have heard about Boris, that Italian series that has as logo a goldfish in the characteristic round bowl. But, for one reason or the other, I had never tried to watch it: with all the British-American-and-even-a-little-Australian stuff that submerges us every day, I thought I had time for everything except for an Italian sitcom (yes, I know, I have been very racist), even if the sitcom in question was actually born to criticize the typical Italian drama that, by now, have become synonymous of Gabriel Garko.


Blue Box Series staff wants to emphasizes that it's not responsible for this gif.


But, taking advantage of the fact that from February Boris is broadcast on Netflix, the little man in the brain - the same that years ago persuaded me to start the first TV series - has began to whisper me: "Watch it... watch it... watch it... there's always need of a sitcom... watch it... watch it..."

Given that you give always right to the little man of the brain, I have started a non-stop marathon of our favorite Olympic practice (the binge-watching, obviously) and now I have an uncontrollable desire to watch poor Italian drama - like Baciato dal Sole (Kissed by the Sun) - just to scream "cani maledetti" (damned dogs) and "'sto episodio è fatto a cazzo di cane" (this episode is made messily). Without considering that, now, my little man of the brain always sings the theme song:


In short, every time you talk about Boris you start irremediably to sing, together with Elio e le Storie Tese, Gli oooocchiiiii del cuooooooreee gli oooocchiiii del cuooooooreee... Boooooriiiiis!! (The eeeeyeeeees of the heaaaaaart the eeeeyeeeees of the heaaaaaart... Boooooriiiiis!!) Probably, if it would be a oratory song, it would be the only one that I could try to dance (with the annoyed look of Arianna). And the opening theme of the first season is the best, also because I have never endured to see the cast to float in a fake bowl, even becoming mermaids as Zoolander.


We love Boris especially because, essentially, it identifies three types of characters:

  • hateful characters that we hate;
  • hateful characters that we love;
  • characters that feel a little pity for us;

These last ones are essentially formed by the super-exploited interns and unpaid underpaid by the production, who not only have to sweat their ass off for a drama worst than your cousin school play, but also to bear the whims of vitiated actors who act like big superstars: well, yes, these fall within decidedly in the category "hateful characters that we love", because you can not help but to love that Cagna Maledetta (Damned Bitch) of Corinna...


... or that actor definitely "a little Italian" of Stanis La Rochelle, for which I'm willing to forget all my crush british to become one of his most faithful fan girl, so that I would follow him even in Greece *to be read ironically*


But Boris would not be Boris without René Ferretti, the director of Gli Occhi del Cuore (The Eyes of the Heart), always accompanied by a lucky charm goldfish. Where is the luck, however, isn't known, because being directors of a drama like this is definitely to be unlucky, and lose your head for a similar TV series is the worst thing that could happen to a professional in the field. In short, already shooting scenes of shit is a race against time (and against his own self-control): let us imagine to shoot a drama of quality.


The only ones that can be considered more than lucky are the screenwriters that, at this point, can boast themselves of having found the dream job of the life: their functions, indeed, are reduced to those of fooling around, juggling and abused use of the key F4, not to mention their meetings on the yacht.


In short: the characters that work seriously on set are really few, if we exclude Alessandro and the rest of the interns (that, for being experienced interns, they have to obey and remain silent... at least until some of their relatives is given to politics deals with politics). Arianna seems to be one of the few to be able to manage the set, while the mysterious director of the network, il Dottor Cane (President Cane), pulls the strings from behind the scenes. The daily life of Gli Occhi del Cuore (The Eyes of the Heart) spends so well, between the subterfuges of the crew and Biascica who awaits his "overtimes of April", between the whims of the stars and the cheats of the network. Because, yes, is the same network to become enemy, while René chases the mirage of finally being able to shoot a series as it should be done... But, alas, the sad truth is that the drama made...


... are watched and even loved by Italians: why offers something new, when the network already has its own satisfied public? (where is this public I wouldn't know, but apparently exists, as those who vote for Berlusconi #WellArianna). And it's just in the irrimediability of the shit (?) that is the comedy and the tragedy of Boris, much is that at the end of the third season, after the mirage of Machiavelli and the failure of Medical Dimension, we feel not only amused but also a lot, very much embittered. Still, if there is something that Boris has taught us (except for new ways to insult the bitch and damned people) it's just this: it's necessary a lot of wasted effort even just to obtain some authentic shits and, when life doesn't smile you, what can you do if don't engage also in something that, in deep (but also on the surface), hate with all of yourself? If it must be shit, that shit is, and of the best quality!

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